"495 Will Never Love You Like I Do, Baby," Claims Silver Line
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"495 Will Never Love You Like I Do, Baby," Claims Silver Line, Begging to be Taken Back by Commuters Despite Visibly Deteriorating Concrete
Despite commuters’ saying enough is enough when it comes to safety issues, construction errors, and ongoing repairs, the Silver Line continues to pathetically plead for just one more chance.
Nadine Rogers of Reston reported hearing the Silver Line’s shameless pleas as she drove along Route 495 last week. Nadine said, “I could it hear it from the highway, just yelling out garbage like, ‘Come on baby, get outta your car and I’ll let you ride me all day. Just like it used to be.’”
Commuters riding in slug line cars along 66 reported similar pitiful wails from the area rapid transit system. “I’m sorry I was late baby, I promise I’ll never be late again,” recalls one Terrel Marshall of Tysons Corner. Mariam Hindi of Reston reported hearing the train line bellow “I’m getting my shit together, I swear. No more single tracking for this modern commuting option. I mean it.”
The Silver Line’s protests have continued all the way up until its 11pm closure, as Abigail Barclay of Herndon recalled, “I heard something outside my window as I was trying to fall asleep and saw the Silver Line had cast its lights onto my yard to read ‘SRY BB.’ It stayed lit all night – I couldn’t sleep.”
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Washington Football Team Surprised by Diverse Opening Day Crowd, New Central American Fan Base Disappointed "It's Still the Other Football!"
The Washington Football Team (WFT) debuted at the 2020 NFL season with a victory against Philadelphia. WFT’s owner Daniel Snyder was not only surprised by this victory, but also with the large number of Central American fans that came to FedExField. To his dismay, they left right as the game started since “it’s still the other football!”
“When someone tells you there’s a football game, you can only think of one thing: fútbol,” said Juan Hernández, Montgomery resident from Guatemala. “The gringos are the only people in the whole world that call football ‘soccer.’ Football means using your foot to kick a ball. It’s in the name!”
“I was very excited to see some saves from the goalkeeper, sweeps from the center back, and dribblings from the winger,” said Diego Bastias, Fairfax resident from El Salvador. “Instead of that, we saw a bunch of people wearing heavy armour, throwing a ball for a couple of seconds, and taking five minutes breaks after every play.”
Right before the end of the interviews, both Juan and Diego were asked about their thoughts on DC United, the city’s soccer (or ‘real football’) team. “Hard pass,” they replied.
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"I'm a Good LGTBQ Ally, I've Been to Nellie's on U St."
LGBTQ people have historically been discriminated against on the basis of their sexual orientation, gender identity, or gender expression. Brandon Spencer, a 29 year-old straight cisgender polling analyst, thought it was time to speak up. “I’m a good LGBTQ ally,” he said. “I’ve been to Nellie’s on U St.”
“Being a good LGBTQ ally is about amplifying queer life experiences,” said Brandon. “That’s why I go to Nellie’s once a year, chat with the bartender, order a lot of drinks, and give a 25% tip. It’s the least a good ally can do.”
But Brandon didn’t stop there. “I definitely understand the struggle of the LGTBGI population,” said Brandon. “I moved to Dupont Circle last Summer, which is the center of gay culture in DC, and the AC didn’t work. It was rough but a good ally doesn’t complain.”
When asked if he has been to the historical Capital Pride Parade, Brandon nodded his head in agreement. “Absolutely. I love collecting stickers.”
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ABCFamily/FreeForm to Air 30 Days of Pestilence, A COVID-19 Themed Answer to their 31 Days of Halloween Programming
In 2018, Freeform's beloved "13 Nights of Halloween" became "31 Nights of Halloween." The network is holding itself to that high standard again this year, fresh off the heels of the network’s success with Love In The Time Of Coronar: There will be an accompanying 30 days of Coronavirus-themed content, dubbed 30 Days of Pestilence!
Every day from October 1-31, 2020, you can tune into the network and watch countless films to remind you of the ongoing humanitarian crisis right outside your door – and right in time for spooky season. So although you can’t go into any haunted house, you can tune into Freeform and haunt your house with the reminder of the life you’re missing out on as 200,000 Americans drop dead all around you! Selections from the lineup for the month include:
October 1 at 7PM: Tim Burton’s The Corpse Bride (She Died Because of the Rona!)
October 10 at 5PM: Addams Family Vaccines
October 17 at 7PM: Jumanji
October 21 at 9PM: Hotel Transylvania (Had to Close Due to The Collapsed Travel Industry)
Catch up with some friends from your quarantine pod, whip out a chock-full candy bowl, make a bone-chilling cocktail, and be overcome with the anxiety that this get-together could be the one that ends your life – making this what could be the best and spookiest Halloween yet!