Smoke from West Coast Wildfires Arrives in DC to Lobby Against Green New Deal
Smoke from West Coast Wildfires Arrives in DC to Lobby Against Green New Deal
Smoke from West Coast wildfires rolled into DC last week to lobby against the Green New Deal. Dressed in a smart violet tie and carrying a briefcase, the ashen cloud shrugged off The Cherry Swamp’s questions. “Sorry, no can talk. I’m a busy cloud. Got places to be, things to do.”
Descending from a cross country red eye straight from a massive conflagration, the cloud knew that without the right messaging, the unprecedented blaze that birthed it could spur congress to enact comprehensive climate-saving legislation. “Not on my watch, not a goddamned chance,” declared the cloud, as it wafted toward Congress, choking tourists and hill interns in its path.
“I know this looks bad,” coughed the cloud, taking a rare moment to address reporters. “But you need to ignore this. Because a clean energy jobs program that provides full employment, rebuilds failing infrastructure, and enacts comprehensive environmental protections would be seriously bad for all kinds of cataclysmic weather like me.”
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"I'm too Self-Conscious to Phone Bank for the Election" says GW Junior, Who Posts a Daily #thirsttrap
“I just can’t imagine cold calling a stranger, it would make me feel so exposed,” said Mikey Smithson, a Junior at George Washington University, as he pulled down the strap of his underwear, nearly revealing his ballsack for his #ThirsttrapThursday post.
“I mean, I don’t like Trump, mostly because he wants to ban TikTok. Which is totally not cool. I don’t want him to win the election, but I just don’t really feel like I should have to put myself out there and call or text someone,” Smithson said as he airdropped a photo of himself shirtless and flexing to unsuspecting women at a coffee shop.
Trump’s failure to contain the COVID-19 pandemic, his open encouragement of racial violence, and his flagrant disregard for the tenants which hold up our democracy this election is one of the most important in our lifetime. “Listen, I’m not for Trump. I just don’t think I should have to do anything about it! I’m a private person.” Smithson continued as he adjusted his ring light under his bare buttocks. “I’m trying to get 10,000 followers.” When asked if he was registered to vote, Smithson replied with a picture of his abs “ I think so?”
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Photo of DC Mourners at Supreme Court Goes Viral–the 705,749 Votes that Could Sway the Current National Hellscape Go Unnoticed Again
As photos of Washingtonians mourning the loss of Justice Ginsberg goes viral, lonely DC ballots are overlooked in the frame. “I don’t know what we will do. The Republican controlled senate will surely overturn our fundamental rights. If only there were 705,749 votes that could have congressional representation,” said Lauren Discoll, an Alexandria resident. DC has over 700,000 residents, more than Vermont and Wyoming, yet DC residents do not have a voice in Senate Committees or on the Senate Floor. This means that DC residents have no say in the determination of who serves in the U.S. Supreme Court.
“I don’t know why they just don’t see us. Thousands of tourists love visiting the monuments and symbols of our nation, while remaining willfully ignorant of the denial of the constitutional rights of the people of DC,” said lonesome DC ballot. The mourners photos went viral across the nation, triggering mixed emotions for many worried Democrats. “I wish there were more votes in Congress, just some way to accurately reflect the nation's desire to uphold Roe V. Wade, but it would be too hard to make DC a State” said Oregon engineer, Amanda Davers. “It’s really not that hard, the Constitution sets only a maximum size, “ten miles square,” for the federal district. Congress has the authority to redefine the borders of the federal district and shrink its size, as it did in 1846, when the portion west of the Potomac was returned to Virginia,” said one of the DC ballots.
“I loved that photo. It reminded me that there are people who are willing to fight for what they believe in,” said Matt Blair, an LA based writer. When asked if he knew that those photographed do not have the same constitutional rights as he does, Blair responded: “That sucks. I wish there was something we could do.”
“YOU CAN DO SOMETHING! Call your representatives in Congress and tell them to stop robbing Washingtonians of their constitutional rights. We’ve been fighting for our rights for decades. We could avoid this hellscape if we don’t suppress ME, the votes of thousands of citizens! Do you know DC residents pay the highest per-capita federal income taxes in the U.S.? DC residents have fought and died in every war, yet those armed service members are denied the freedoms they have fought to protect. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SEE ME!” said a DC ballot. Sadly, shortly after our interview the ballot blew away in the wind.
"God's Wrathful Plague and its Peril upon Thine Town's Coffers doth Royally Sucketh" Laments Colonial Williamsburg's Director of Tourism
In a fashion most befitting a firebrand Director of Tourism for our fairest of boroughs, The Great Williamsburg, Giles Mumford thus commenced his "Press Conference" with this utterance: "Fie Upon It!"
Mumford did speaketh the purest grains of truth on all manner of the pestilence and the monetary savagery for which it hath wrought on the fairest Williamsburg. Administering his diatribe from a parchment in hand with ink still sheening in wetness, he bemoaned the state of our borough with the force of 1,000 gales and issued forth with the most calamitous individual tales of woe.
"Llewellyn Coffwroth, owner of 'Ye Olde Tavern, Newest Microbrew' hath been reduced to penury. This foul sickness hath prevented any fair souls from venturing into his establishment, thus shuttering his doors after nearly two score of unabated commerce. Dogfish Head is nigh!" thus he exclaimed as gasps issued forth.
Mumford recounted the much heralded "Exxon - Rio Bravo" and "Hampton Inn and Suites Williamsburg Historic District", gateways to the borough from I-64 and beacons to the bedraggled traveler, being conscripted to lower fuel and inn prices until reaching yon threshold of bankruptcy.
"And do not permit me to rail on the Golden Goose that dost knowest to keep the foundations of our coffers brimming with gold, yon open-air, living history museum itself, Colonial Williamsburg. Suffice it to sayeth, ye sickness hath compelled the Colonial Williamsburg's Administratrix to lay waste to the employ of 10 greeters, 5 candlemakers, 3 cauldron tenders, and in that most personal of affronts, both town criers!"
As of the printing press time, Mumford hath issued skepticism on "vaccines" as eliminating the foul pestilence. "Do these needles spawned by Lucifer himself not promiseth nothing but the falsest of hopes? Calumny!"
