Is She Into Me? Or Is She a Russian Bot Trying to Upend Democracy?
Help! Is She Into Me? Or Is She a Russian Bot Trying to Upend Democracy?
“I was just shocked when this hot girl started liking all my tweets, I thought she was just into my dank memes,” recounted Mark Lennox, a 27 year-old Navy Yard resident.
Things took a turn when the woman he knew as Nadiya Robot, (pronounced Not-a-Robot) started to convince Lennox not to vote in November's election. “Yea, I just thought she was just like anti-establishment, it didn’t even bother me when she started throwing in random Russian words, I just used google translate, because yea she’s super hott.”
The Russian government continues to spread false information and divisive political content on Twitter, Facebook, and social media other platforms. Efforts that rely on the unwitting participation of everyday people.
“I thought for sure she was into me.” Lennox continued, “it was a little weird when she made me learn the Russian national anthem, and convinced me that the only way to save my country was not to vote at all, but did you see how hot she is?”
When Lennox found out he was one of many Americans fooled by disinformation campaigns by the Russian government he still had lingering questions, “Can Nadiya still, like, send me the nudes she promised?”
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BACK TO SCHOOL
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Dining Out: DC's 4 Sbarro Locations Show Off the City's Very Best
Hello Cherry fans.
Sometimes my friends in New York say that DC’s not a “real city.” And it really gets my goat. Until now.
I’ve finally found the perfect response to them. I simply open up Google Maps and show them, “Look, DC’s got FOUR Sbarros.” Boom. The conversation is simply over. Let's check 'em out!
Presidential Sbarro, 1300 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW – The address says it all. Are you ready for a DC insider tip? This one’s for free. If you want to catch a glimpse of the president, just hang out here. Presidents have always been sneaking off to grab a slice at this Sbarro since John Adams first visited– back then it was called Constance Sbarro’s Goode Cheere Taverne. Adams ordered a slice of cheese with cranberries on it.
Shining Time Sbarro, Union Station – Busy business people and wealthy East Coasters can often be found at Union Station. As they huff and puff and wheel and deal along the Eastern seaboard, they keep Amtrak afloat. But what keeps them afloat? You guessed it, generously herbed Sbarro pizza. They just bop down into the station’s lower level, probably while on an important phone call, order a slice, dab off the grease, and sprint beautifully onto their train while their hair maintains perfect majesty the whole time. What a city!
Band-Tailed Pigeon Sbarro, 3001 Connecticut Ave, NW – Check your map again, friend, this Sbarro is located in the Smithsonian National Zoo. And no, it’s not the “Panda Sbarro.” The band-tailed pigeon, one of many non-panda animals at the zoo, is a beautiful bird worth seeing up close. The parents take turns incubating the eggs until they hatch, and it’s an awe-inspiring process. The chicks are yellow and fuzzy, just incredibly cute. A real treat on offer in this worldly city.
Passion Sbarro, 1104 7th St, NW – Located inside none other than the Walter E. Washington Convention Center, this Sbarro fuels the passionate people. The people chasing their dreams. The people coming to DC for events like the Greater Mid-Atlantic Antique Kettles Roadshow, the National Association of Probate Lawyers Annual Gala, and the 2018 Surfactant Industry Awards Luncheon. What more could you ask for from a big time city?
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Pleasant Fall Weather Sadly Taking Away From 2020's Shitshow Mystique
The recent cooling trend bringing the loveliest high pressure systems on the heels of a near-record setting oppresive summer "is totally fucking up the dumpster fire narrative that is 2020," said Jennifer Corzine, local DC resident who has somehow survived the last five months sharing a two-room basement apartment with two other roommates. "I've lost a boyfriend, haven't seen my three best friends since they all moved back to the suburbs with their parents, oh, and the furlough will continue at my company for another three weeks," she explained as she forced another sip of her lemon drop down her throat while sitting in the shade of an oak tree as the afternoon reached its peak of 78 degrees.
Corzine recounted the mounting unemployment rates, the months-long justified and palpable racial tension running throughout the country, a great uncle lost to COVID, and the endless lies and shenanigans perpetrated by a presidential administration who served only to downplay and outright deny the pandemic's effects that ultimately led to an historical level of needless deaths. "It's just now all overshadowed by this fucking weather," she observed, irascibly looking up to the cloudless blue sky and holding up her arms in a short sleeve sweater without the slightest hint of sweat on them as the dew point began to drop from its high of 48 degrees. "It's utterly sickening because already people are beginning to forget what this year has really meant just because the humidity leveled off," she said as she picked up a toothpick of melon wrapped in prosciutto off the bistro table and wedged it in her mouth, her sullen glare glinting in the five o'clock sun.
Corzine seemed to wax poetic about her health problems in 2020: a urinary tract infection following the dearth of toilet paper supplies in April, mild hair loss due to the stress of intermittent employment, and general malaise from multiple sleep-deprived anxiety-ridden nights. "All of this, all of this, perfectly encapsulates what a ninth-level-of-hell year we've had, and the nice weather selfishly came in here just to screw it up," she said animatedly all the while smoothly running her finger up and down the side of her glistening glass as a gentle breeze soothed her into yet another quiet moment of reflection.
"At this rate, American democracy might even survive."
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Delta Chi UMD Fraternity New Hazing Strategy: If You Survive Covid after the Kegger, You're In!
In a bold effort to maintain the normal partying regimen in the face of a pandemic and more importantly to test the physiological merit of would-be Delta Chi members, the University of Maryland fraternity Delta Chi confirmed it will proceed with its annual back-to-school keg party next Saturday night in hopes that new pledges would contract COVID-19 and recover to become full fledged members of the group.
"Yeah bro, there ain't nothing more hardcore than this. Staring into the fuckin abyss of death and then coming back from it while hitting 20-second keg stands of Natty Boh? You're a fucking god after that," Delta Chi member Dave Hines explained. "And maybe a Delta Chi if you're not a bitch."
Hines pontificated that 2020 would top the most heralded endeavors ever undertaken by Delta Chi in ensuring their pledges meet the highest standards. "Edward 40-hands, spitting out Bacardi 151 while you run through a bonfire, being locked in the punishment room only wearing a diaper and having to drink two six-packs in two hours is cool and all but none of it compares to punching death in the nuts."
The kegger comes at a sensitive time for the fraternity, as it falls on the one-year anniversary of former fraternity brother Kyle Wilkes succumbing to alcohol poisoning at the Delta Chi back-to-school party.
“Kyle wouldn’t have wanted us to be total pussies about the whole thing. He would’ve not given a fuck about a virus. And even though he’s dead, he would’ve told death to ‘suck it’. “ As of press time, 10 fraternity members celebrated the news of two positive tests by sharing a community bowl of off-brand macaroni and cheese.