DC Daters Say Masks Are Sexy. Exclusively Undressing One Another With Their Eyes
DC Daters Say Masks Are Sexy. Exclusively Undressing One Another With Their Eyes
Experts are exploring a new psychological phenomenon in the dating world.
During this global pandemic, many DC residents are wearing masks when in public. Some assumed this would decrease opportunities for intimate contact. Research indicates an increase in dating activity directly correlated to the wearing of masks.
Keeyana Blake, a young DC professional, was eager to share her experience. “Masks are mysterious. And that’s super hot!”
Though we were unable to continue the interview due to mutually distracting long gazes, Ms. Blake did agree to continue the discussion over dinner this evening.
George Mason Freshmen Rush to Move Drinks Offscreen when RA Crashes Zoom Party
Washington Sports Club Told to Stop Charging Members While the Gyms are Closed, Responds: “Do You Even Lift Bro?”
The D.C. Superior Court has granted a temporary restraining order preventing Washington Sports Club from charging members despite being closed due to the pandemic.
Washington Sports Club owner, Arnold Brochwarzenegger, responded “Sure there might be financial pain for those who can no longer pay for a gym service they can’t use, but pain is just weakness leaving the body!”
Washington Sports Club is also accused of making the cancellation process nearly impossible by only accepting in-person cancellations despite being closed. Brochwarzenegger said “How much do you want it? If you really want to cancel your membership at our shitty gym that’s not even open, you have to be willing to put in the work! It’s like stairs after leg day, you have to work through the pain!”
The legal fights between the Washington Sports Club and D.C. didn’t just begin, they have faced off in court battles in 2016 and 2019. Brochwarzenegger responded “Yea they beat me in court but they could never beat my bench P.R. - come at me bro!”
Plastic Surgeons See Rise in Butt Surgeries During Quarantine, Couches Take the Blame.
Couches all over the country have decided to face facts and take the blame for the recent rise in butt surgeries. Although plastic surgeons see the increase in butt enhancements as a good thing, couches have felt an enormous amount of guilt for ruining perfectly good junks in trunks.
Recently, a group of Ikea Loveseats released a statement on behalf of their community: “We want to apologize for causing devastating effects in the glutes of mankind. We never knew that countless hours spent together would have harmful consequences and lead our customers to surgery. We were supposed to caress those cheeks. But we lost our spring, our bounce and we failed you. You’re a pancake butt now and no one wants to see that. Please accept a free pair of Apple Bottom jeans as reparations.”
*As of print, numerous butts dialed ‘The Cherry Swamp’s’ number for a rebuttal but we’re pretty sure it was an accident.
RNC Praises Jerry Fallwell, Jr for New Sex Position. "We Like to Do It Dogma Style!"
Help! I Was Ghosted By A Restaurant Mannequin- What Do I Do When I See Her Out With A New Fake Human?!
Spouse of US Diplomat Overhears Zoom Call, Figures Out Afghan Peace Deal
A major milestone in foreign relations was reached early this morning when the wife of a senior United States diplomat peeked into a classified Zoom meeting to propose a successful intra-Afghan peace deal. After weeks of overhearing her husband’s work correspondences through the regretfully thin wall between their bedroom and den, the woman (who government officials have asked remain anonymous to avoid embarrassing a number of powerful men) had a sudden breakthrough.
“Hey boys, sorry to interrupt!” She reportedly exclaimed while entering the room and ducking into frame. “I promise I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop, but it just occurred to me in between virtual Pilates reps that that Ashraf Ghani is never going to be seen as anything but an American patsy to more hard-lined elements of the Taliban. If peace talks are going to go anywhere, it's going to come down to more marginal and dangerous figures who have a stake in lasting peace—people like Gulbuddin Hekmatyar. Sure, his Hez'b-e-Islami Afghani has had an uneasy relationship with the Taliban. But I guess that's kind of the point, you know? The Taliban are more likely to respect an enemy who they see as principled rather than one they view as too Western. What Zalmay Khalilzad needs to do is to bring in these voices and get them to bring Mullah Baradar to see the benefits of peace and compromise. Maybe that would even require prisoner releases? Like, how about Bashir Noorzai?”
Before anyone on the call could respond, the woman left the room, stating, “Anyway, I can hear my instructor shouting to come finish my hips dips! I know this is tough, but remember that tough decisions need more than just talk. As the saying goes: Ba halwa goftan dahan shirin namishawad...Does that make sense?”
Bill and Ted 3 Met with Mixed Reviews after Moviegoers Still Can't Tell Who's Bill and Who's Ted.
District Employees Demand Standing Desks. Encourage Power Posing During Zoom Meetings
The pandemic has prompted much change in the global workforce. As more companies shift to remote configurations, many employees enjoy benefits that include no commute and greater flexibility .
There have been unintended consequences as well. In the nation’s capital, professionals are finding it difficult to use physical intimidation and posturing to coerce their opponents into submission. As a result, jerks around the city are becoming less confident.
Some residents are exploring the solution of power posing during video conference calls. The act of standing to your feet while someone else is speaking and dramatically placing both fists on your hips while puffing out your chest is proving highly effective in some instances.
Those without standing desks achieve the opposite effect, as many are placing their crotches right in front of the camera. To overcome this obstacle, DC professionals are requesting standing desks, capes, and tall fans to simulate the wind blowing said capes.
There has also been a sharp increase in training requests for courses such as “Victory Stances” and “How to Literally Stand Up to Evil Colleagues.”
