City Insists Recent Tear Gassing Incident was “Simply a Scheduled Fumigation of Government Property"
City Insists Recent Tear Gassing Incident was “Simply a Scheduled Fumigation of Government Property"
White House Pleased With Federal Worker Emotional Shutdown
“It’s beyond our expectations,” said a White House insider. “Now that there is nothing left to deregulate, we needed an action plan to stop things entirely. It took a few years, but now federal workers are emotionally numb and totally checked out.”
Leaked: Shocking Internal Post Memo Reminds Employees, "Please Stop Calling It 'the Failing New York Times' Out Loud"
"I'm Terrified The Pandemic Will Last Longer Than Expected," Says Guy Who Is About To Finish Binge-Watching all 40 Seasons Of Survivor
From the start of the current global health emergency, efforts in the country to halt the virus have been impaired by political and institutional barriers. For Alex Peters, a 29 year-old Logan Circle resident, the fear of the pandemic lasting longer than expected is getting way too real. He is about to finish binge-watching all 40 seasons of Survivor.
“As soon as the quarantine started in March, I wanted something to pass the time and I found Survivor. I immediately got caught up with the extreme conditions of the locations, the strategy to move forward in the game, and Jeff Probst’s sassiness.” Alex said. “After 5 months of intense binge-watching, I’m on Survivor’s last season - Winners at War - and I have no clue how I’m going to continue my life in the pandemic without it.”
“I’ve tried to bake bread, play Animal Crossing, and even schedule Zoom meetings with highschool friends, but it’s not Survivor,” Alex regretted. “How am I supposed to make it through this horrible pandemic if there are no more Jhony Fairplay’s lies, Russel Grant’s way too aggressive strategy, or Boston Rob’s scandalous win at Redemption Island?”
As this edition went to press, Alex declined to answer more questions since he started watching Netflix’s ‘Selling Sunset.’
In Desperate Cry For Attention, Lonely Red Line Train Contemplates Starting A Fire
New Healthcare Think Tank Generously Funded By Industry Titan Thaddeus B. Juul
Would-be Hero Misreads Fellow Bus Rider's Body Language, Yells "Back Door" For No Reason
Mayor Bowser Updates Mandate, Allows Residents To Go Out Without A Mask, "But Only If They Naruto Run The Whole Time"
Local Waldorf Woman Now Wants To Referred To As Global Waldorf Woman After Getting First Passport
The Dover String Quartet Makes Triumphant Return To Kennedy Center Stage After Giving Up That Gang Life
The Dover Street Quartet was welcomed back to the Kennedy Center with a standing ovation this past Saturday after a two year hiatus spent terrorizing their local neighborhoods with gang activity.
Law enforcement suspected that in between hours of Beethoven, that the crew were moving large amounts of drugs in their instrument cases since the cops, “never actually saw them play.” First chair and drug lord Chad is quoted as saying, “I mean of course we didn’t want to leave performing for dignitaries and Republicans but we had to earn the people’s respect. And sometimes that may mean beating a dude to death with a cello. I don’t make the rules.”
Despite all the criminal activity, album and ticket sales for “The String Quartet Nirvana” have never been higher due to the public’s demand for watching criminal activity from a safe distance.
