Brave Abuelas Still Push for Answers Despite Global Pandemic: "¿Por Qué No Tienes Novio?"
Local Mosquitos Frustrated More People Are Staying At Home, Demand Reopening
#ReturntoSender: Postal Service Latest Victim of Cancel Culture
The U.S. Postal Service over the weekend found itself the unlikely target of cancel culture, losing not Twitter followers, but likely a bunch of its funding. “My boss just collected our Postal Service uniforms for a company-wide estate sale,” said a befuddled Post Office employee, already feeling the strain of budget cuts. “This isn’t even a mail bag. It’s my purse.”
Asked if he had any parting words for the American public, Tim, a Postal Service veteran who began selling homemade stamps on Etsy after they were discontinued last week, said he mostly has questions. “What kind of ding dong makes an enemy of the mail? Did you hear they recalled our uniforms? This is my personal quarter zip.”
At press time, all interviewees could be found sorting letters in their respective kitchens after mailrooms were abruptly shuttered nationwide.
Brave Abuelas Still Push for Answers Despite Global Pandemic: "¿Por Qué No Tienes Novio?"
"Paying A Fine For An Ethics Violation Goes Against My Fundamental Beliefs," Objects Former Council Member Jack Evans
Painful Period Or Endometriosis Caused By Sex With Demons In Dreams?
What She Said – “Whenever I get my period I always have really bad cramps, muscle and pelvic pain. I thought for sure I had endometriosis but according to Dr. Stella Immanuel, a White House endorsed doctor, I was having demon sex in my dreams! Can you imagine what a dummy I must have been to think that basic biology caused all this? Apparently demons have been spreading their dirty demon dick everywhere and I was none the wiser. Thanks Dr. Immanuel!”
What He Said – “Hold up. Hold up. Listen, I’m a demon but I’m not a monster. Sure, it's possible that I may enter a dream from time to time but I usually just hang out. Demons do not cause endometriosis. Period. As in the end of sentence, not as in women’s period. Anyway. If I have to be 100% honest, Stella is spreading these lies about me because we hooked up and I ghosted. I mean I am a demon after all, not a saint.”
North Carolina Earthquake Felt In D.C. As Covid Takes Toll
Many relieved to discover they are, in fact, capable of feeling something
Bill Barr Now Official Face Of Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free Cards In New Monopoly Edition
DC Removes Navy Yard from List of Restricted Travel Areas, Not That We Were Going Anyway
Local Hero? Guy Confessed He Doesn't Give A Shit About Roller Skates
Last night Washington DC saw an unprecedented turn of events when David Wills, a 29 year-old Logan Circle resident, confessed to his friends he doesn’t give a shit about roller skates.
“He’ll be ostracized from our friend group,” David’s friend Edgar reported. “I told him roller skates are the new trend of this pandemic, like baking bread, or playing Animal Crossing, but he didn’t care,” said Edgar as he was watching Roll Bounce for the third time this week.
“This is a potential deal breaker in our relationship,” David’s girlfriend Marissa confessed. “I told him that if we can’t go to an empty parking lot and record TikTok videos while roller skating, then what’s the point of a relationship? But he refused to listen.”
As for David?
“I truly don’t give a shit about roller skates,” he said.
