💉Navy Yard Man Purposely Keeps Sleeve Rolled Up on Tinder Profile to Inspire Vaccine Envy💉
Issue No. 30
Navy Yard Man Purposely Keeps Sleeve Rolled Up on Tinder Profile to Inspire Vaccine Envy
QUIZ: Is it a "Pandemic Wall" or Should You Stop Listening to Phoebe Bridgers All Day?
The previous few weeks of the coronavirus crisis have been taxing on our collective mental health. Additionally, Phoebe Bridgers headlined SNL, throwing folks’ mental health into a tailspin. How is anyone to know if they’re hitting a pandemic wall or they’re listening to too much Phoebe Bridgers? Use this quiz to learn if you’re hitting a pandemic wall or temporarily use the “Block Artist” function on your Spotify.
What does your typical morning routine look like?
A. Wake up to the iPhone “Marimba” alarm after snoozing a couple of times and stare at the ceiling
B. Wake up at 5:30 AM to your first alarm and hop right out of bed
C. Wake up to the synth horn intro of “Kyoto” by Phoebe Bridgers as an alarm after snoozing a couple of times and stare at the ceiling
What are you wearing daily?
A. A mismatched sweatsuit
B. Jeans
C. A matched sweatsuit with a skeleton graphic on it (just like the one Phoebe wears on the Punisher album cover!)
How long have you been feeling this way?
A. Since March of 2020 -- probably since the beginning of the pandemic
B. Feeling what way? Great? Always!
C. Since April of 2020 -- probably since PB released her latest album
RESULTS
Mostly A’s: It’s a pandemic wall! Baking sourdough and playing Animal Crossing is just not hitting like it used to, huh?
Mostly B’s: I’m not even sure you know it’s a global pandemic. Please: wear your mask and leave Miami.
Mostly C’s: It’s too much Phoebe Bridgers! Girl -- are you okay? You know you don’t have to use her music as background noise for your entire day, right? Maybe try some Dua Lipa or something?
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Move Over "Dump Truck Ass!" This Season's Latest Trend: The Snow Plow Ass
Scroll through Instagram these days and you’re guaranteed to see a few things: couples announcing their engagements, ill-advised vacation snapshots, and inescapable thirst traps featuring the one and only dump truck ass. However, this winter a competitor to the dump truck ass emerges: the snow plow ass. What is the difference between a dump truck ass and a snow plow ass? The dump truck ass is typically characterized by a large amount of junk in the trunk, shaped and compressed into an optimal usage of space, much like how a compactor on a dump truck shapes and compresses trash. On the other hand, the snow plow ass is characterized by the look of mismatched lumps and chunks haphazardly scooped together, similarly to the look of snow in the shovel of a plow. Additionally, a typical snow plow creates unsightly and inconvenient mounds -- a staple of the snow plow ass as well. And finally, while the experience of being behind a dump truck and a dump truck ass may be a little smelly, being behind both a snow plow and snow plow ass might get you blasted by some unknown particles. This winter -- stay dummy slick instead of dummy thick and invest in your snow plow ass.
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5 Minute Makeover! This Minimum Wage Worker Transformed From "Hero" to "Freeloader" By American Public
When the world shut down, essential workers became our heroes, bravely serving the public at grocery stores, restaurants, and factories. Now that Covid-19 aid package proposed a $15 per hour minimum wage increased from $7.25 per hour, it’s time for the American public to shake things up with a new look!
While Americans are still relying on their services of essential workers, they draw the line at paying a living wage. “ I love my Harris Teeter, they have the most helpful staff. But $15 an hour? Come on, I could do that job! Well maybe I could? I just have really bad hand eye coordination and I don’t like the smell of coins, so I would probably vomit,” said Megan Peterson, an Arlington resident. Peterson has now begun to imagine the staff at Harris Teeter as lazy freeloaders. “I really had to get creative, but once I started imagining the grocery staff with a new look I could just see them being able to live above the poverty line, with MY money, it became an easy makeover,” Peterson said.
For $7.25 an hour many people who are working would have to apply for public assistance, such as SNAP benefits, or get section 8 housing benefits. This hasn’t deterred the resilient American public from not seeing this makeover through. Business owner, Chad Miller, at first showered his staff with appreciation. “I put a sign in one of the windows in the house that said “Thank you heroes.” Although I live in a gated community so no one who was an essential worker could see. It’s the thought that counts.” Miller is opposed to raising the minimum wage because he fears for what it means for the future of our country. “I worked hard to inherit my business from my family. If just anyone could make a living wage? How will I maintain my power and influence?” Miller is coping by transforming his staff from hardworking heroes, into lazy moochers. “ I just imagined these workers jumping into money like Scrooge McDuck and voilà! All that's left to do is make some fun party plans and show off their new look!”