Styles Section: Dan Snyder’s 15 Favorite Funtime Summer Slurs
Issue No. 1 – Thursday, August 6, 2020
Trump Confuses The Big Chair for Lincoln Memorial
Georgetown Mother Boasts To Know All the Words to Act 1 of Hamilton, "Even the Rap Parts"
"We All Live Together" and Other Lies Large Groups Can Use During the Pandemic
“We’re all… siblings.” followed by a tongue kiss.
“What pandemic?”
"We’re all taking precautions, like only breathing through our mouths while together.”
“Alcohol kills the virus”
“This is, like, the ONLY big thing I’ve done.”
“Seriously, what pandemic?”
“The virus can’t enter Churches. It’s like in The Exorcist.”
"He wouldn't hold this rally if it wasn’t safe.”
"Tantric breathing is like a substitute for a vaccine. I read it on Goop.”
"We all saw an ambulance go by and began discussing the scenarios.” "
“We’re all actually holograms--it’s a new Zoom feature”
"This is a funeral”
Googling Go-Go Musicians who Aren't Chuck Brown: Our Guide for Gentrifiers
Katy Perry Confesses She's Behind All the Extra Fireworks in DC
6 Hot Brunch Spots Where You Can Pretend Your Server Isn't A Living, Breathing, At-Risk Person
With the summer heat sweltering, DC has begun to reopen just in time to sit down for a frosé with our best gal pals and hottest boy toys––but what are 20-somethings to do about the discomfort of being served brunch by someone with real human needs?
The Cherry Swamp’s recommendations of best brunch spots to scarf down some eggs benny while ignoring the humanity of the waitstaff is your solution! If you’re looking for a brunch spot with killer cocktails and killer virus transmission rates to vulnerable populations, then look no further than Farmers & Distillers or DC Harvest.
For the adventurous diner who doesn’t shy away from risks on their plate or to the livelihoods of people around them, we recommend Roofers Union or Dirty Habit. For the posse on a budget, save some coin at Busboys and Poets or A Baked Joint–– you get to save money and have an excuse to under-tip your server who will be saddled with insurmountable medical debt after being ventilated.
Brunchers across the DC area can rest assured that while these 6 spots come recommended by The Cherry Swamp, you can demonstrate a lack of compassion and a disregard for your server’s health and life wherever waffle towers, quiches, or bottomless mimosas are served.
Viewpoints: Tinder adds GS-level for easy swiping
"I only swipe right on GS-10 and above" “I thought for sure he was a 9 or lower. Then I get to know him, and let’s just say his GS is higher than that, if you know what I mean. Hubba hubba.”
“Number one thing I look for in a guy? Easy, a big fat pension. Tinder just saved me a buttload of snooping.”
“I wouldn’t touch a GS-7 with a ten foot pole. Not that I’m touching much of anyone with anything these days, but…. you know.”
“For me there’s a tradeoff between GS-level and looks. If you’re a hotty with a body, I’m flexible on GS. But if you’re GS-6, you better be big ole pile of sexy.”
“To me, GS is a proxy for ambition. I don’t want some GS-5 paper pusher. I want a GS-12 schemer, a real Emperor Palpatine, you know? Someone working to undermine the republic from within.”
"He wrote on his profile 'For those who care, I’m GS-11' but when I went on the date, I could definitely tell he was GS-9.
Getting Away: DC Residents Looking for Intense Cultural Experience Moving to Waldorf, MD
Known to man as more than simply the nation's capital. 'Tis a bastion of culture. But alas ... even the most transient grow complacent after extended exposure to its beaming rays of societal luminescence. Fret not!
For a beacon of experiential refine shines its light from Charles County. Mavens of the district are heading south, to partake in the decadence of Waldorf Maryland. Cruise the cozy conduit of route 5 until its glorious merger with 301, proceed until you arrive at the county's crown jewel ... Saint Charles Mall. Along the way, enjoy the benefits of premium patronage, as you exclusively shop at Costco or BJ's. For Waldorf has both.
Arrive in the afternoon for refreshment at the Tropical Cafe. Enjoy the local customs by browsing the Dollar Thee, the Big Lots, or the Value City furniture. After sunset, Waldorf sings to life with delights for those with most discriminating tastes. For in Waldorf, you may dine at Hooters, or achieve the pinnacle of societal discernment by feasting at Longhorn Steakhouse.