They're Just Like Us! Metro Blames Mercury Retrograde For Derailment
Issue No. 63
They're Just Like Us! Metro Blames Mercury Retrograde For Derailment
Rockville Man Chooses to Go Back Into the Office to Expand Grindr Geographic Range
The Covid-19 pandemic geographically opened up workplaces with many employers choosing to allow remote work to limit the virus' spread. But it seems some are now excited to wake up an hour before their morning call, put on actual pants and head into the office. They say they've tried all the moves on potential romantic partners in their home radius and are looking for more options.
"I'm tired of the headless torsos in Rockville," Dalton Jones says. "I’m hopeful McPherson Square will offer a greater selection of suitors who could respond to my messages.” Dalton says his employer is supportive of his work-life balance and looks forward to his contributions in the office.
UPDATE: After one full week in the office, Dalton says he has not noticed a difference in men willing to chat with him.
Seven Spooky Tips to Eat Your Roommates Food and Blame it on the SuPeRnAtUrAl
Replace their Sabra hummus with a possessed doll, say it just appeared on its own
Say you used all the garlic to ward off vampires
It was a full moon, so a werewolf ate their steak fajitas
A witch needed their $12 bottle of cold-pressed green juice to cast a spell on Mitch McConnell
A ghost’s unfinished business that was keeping it on earth was perfecting the recipe for fresh guacamole, so it took their two ripe avocados
A gorgon needed better sight to turn congressmen to stone, so they snagged their carrot sticks
Your evil twin really had a hankering for Wingo’s
I Shouldn’t be Alive: I Just Merged Onto 495
“Should I Quit My Job to Pursue Comedy?” Asks Brookland Man Whose Tweet Was Featured on “Washingtonian Problems”
A Brookland man is considering a career change after his tweet went viral. “I got five, maybe six new followers,” says Jeff Sanderson. “This could be my big break.”
The tweet, a DC-specific caption to a GIF of a blonde man blinking in disbelief, has also racked up nearly 10 likes. The winning caption? “When Metro says all trains are on schedule.”
“I dunno, it just came to me. Like, when has Metro ever been on schedule? I would be in stunned disbelief too!” Sanderson explained.
When asked for other comedic takes, Sanderson hinted at more transit-based humor. “Well, you ever get in an Uber and your driver talks too much? I could do something about that.”
“DC Food Scene Nonexistent,” Says Indiana Transplant Who Exclusively Dines at Corner Bakery
Flash Flood Warnings: Do You Take Them Seriously or Are You Under 40?
Exclusive! “Squid Game” Season 2 Moves to Washington DC and Here are Some Utterly Terrifying Games
Run down the escalator and get into the Metro when doors are closing
Walk one block down the National Mall without being hit by a Lime scooter
Survive 60 minutes on a first date with a consultant
Climb a “career ladder” in a dysfunctional, toxic work environment with your mental health in tact
Get through one interaction with a stranger without asking “so what do you do”?
Successfully find a 1BR apartment on Capitol Hill with an intern’s salary
Find your Uber at 14th & U on a Saturday night
Decide what to order on GrubHub in under 30 minutes
Walk up 18th Street without getting steamrolled by a social sports team
