Orangutans Rejoice! Zoo Lights Cancelled, Will No Longer Overhear Cringey First Date Small Talk
Issue No. 62
Orangutans Rejoice! Zoo Lights Cancelled, Will No Longer Overhear Cringey First Date Small Talk
"Indigenous Peoples' Day is So Important," says Capitol Hill Man Who Wore Feather Headdress at Firefly Festival
Metro Offers Lower Fares, a Free Toaster, and Three Months No Interest To Get You Back
“We want you back!” was the constant refrain on Tuesday at a WMATA-sponsored event at L’Enfant Plaza. WMATA launched its new campaign, “Ride the Metro, Please?” this week to try to entice riders back to the Metro.
“Since folks are starting to head back into the office, we want to remind everyone that we still exist. Take the Metro again...pretty please?” said WMATA spokesperson Carson Monthly.
The event, meant to draw riders back onto the oft-beleaguered public transit system, featured inflatable balloon people moving to Go Go, half-smokes from Ben’s Chili Bowl, free toasters that burn the DC flag on your bread, and three months of no interest on a commuter benefits card.
WMATA was not above begging: “Please. We really need this. Just come back? Pretty please with sugar on top?!”
Despite the giveaways, Monthly added, “Eat your half-smokes now. No food on the Metro.”
Scary Stories to Tell Gen Z: Millennials Recount Answering the Phone Without Knowing Who Was Calling
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Brookland Christian Chef Chooses to Follow Some of the Recipe But Not All
Jeannine Watts, a Brookland-based Christian Chef, takes a page out of the Bible just as she takes pages out of her cookbook, loosely. She creates one dimensional foods, refusing to add anything fruity or spicy or too lactose tolerant. “I just kinda skim when I read and when I see something I don’t like I just omit it all together,” says Watts. “Just like in the Bible ‘The kingdom of the God belongs to…’ well I didn’t really get that far.”
Goldfish Remembers Exactly What You Did
Hummingbird Finally Prescribed Anti-Anxiety Medication
How to Vacation in Appalachia For Peak Leaf Season When You Hate On Appalachians the Rest of the Year
It’s fall, and you want to pick apples and see the beautiful trees changing color along Skyline Drive. There’s only one problem, though — you think all Appalachians are all dirty, poor, and useless. Bummer! What’s a city-slicking liberal to do in the face of this conundrum? Here’s a few tips to maximize your autumnal cuteness without sacrificing your distaste for poor people.
1) Avoid anyone in work coveralls
The telltale sign someone is Appalachian and therefore worthy of your disdain is the signature work coveralls. When you see them — run the other direction, and don’t think about how the modern day U.S. labor movement started in Appalachia.
2) Cover your ears around banjos
If someone is playing a banjo, you know they’re doing it because they’re poor, uneducated and backwards, and not because it’s part of a rich cultural history you refuse to understand. Avoid when possible.
3) See only white people
If you see someone non-white in Appalachia, your brain may explode. You came here for seasonally-themed joy, not for your biases to be challenged!