Post-COVID, Jose Andres Promises to Make "The Biggest Goddamned Paella You Motherfuckers Have Ever Seen"
Issue No. 17
Post-COVID, Jose Andres Promises to Make "The Biggest Goddamned Paella You Motherfuckers Have Ever Seen"
In a statement recorded from his home kitchen, chef Jose Andres promised the people of Washington D.C. that, once the COVID vaccine is safely administered, he would make “the biggest goddamned paella you motherfuckers have ever seen.” The renowned chef assured that this paella would make his previous outdoor paella events “look like fucking hors d’ourve dishes. Like an ensalada campera that you order and forget about.” The chef plans to shut down the national mall for his cook, insisting “it’s the only place that can hold my thunder.” He has already begun forging a palleria “the size of a fucking municipal aqueduct.”
“People of the district,” the chef proclaimed, “I assure you that while your governments may have failed you, I have not. And when we win, when we persevere through this virus? We. Shall. Feast.” Jose Andres then punted an onion through his kitchen window and signed off.
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