Russell Westbrook Trade Triggers Downgrade in Wizards Bombing Threat Level
Issue No. 19
Russell Westbrook Trade Triggers Downgrade in Wizards Bombing Threat Level
DC Craigslist User Maga_DJT Offers "Pizza and Beer" for Help Moving Out of "Biggliest House You've Ever Seen, NICE & White Too"
If New York Friend Calls It “the Subway” One More Fucking Time…
District Finally Commits to Renaming Sewage Treatment Facility After Jefferson Davis
Spotify Wrapped Reveals Ex Who’s “Not Into Commitment” Is Still Devoted to Fall Out Boy
Courage To Exit Thomas Circle Sure to Arrive Next Go-Round
Fort Totten resident Ellis McEnroe assured himself that the courage to exit Thomas Circle, which he had been navigating for five revolutions, would be sure to arrive on the next go-round. “I just got jammed in from that car on Vermont,” explained McEnroe, “once that gap opens up I can shift into...wait, oh fuck.”
McEnroe did manage to exit the circle once, only to find himself on southbound 14th street instead of northwest bound Massachusetts. “They really need bigger signs,” muttered McEnroe as he rejoined the circle’s rushing tide. “Anyway, gotta change lanes and...god, no fuck a truck? Why is a truck…”
While troubling, the ordeal is not as severe as in 2019 when McEnroe found himself unable to shift into an exit lane on I-495 and spent two hours circumnavigating the city in hopes for a less fraught merge.
Melania Grateful For Upcoming Biden "War On Christmas"
3 Oversized Sweaters You Can Wear Braless on Work Zooms Without Your Nipples Showing
Hey lady bosses! As the winter weather approaches our noses drip and our nipples nip. Keep cozy on your virtual work meetings by forgoing a bra with these oversized sweater recommendations in which you can feel confident you aren’t unprofessionally sharing too much of the body you didn’t ask to have.
1. The Turtleneck
Not only will an oversized turtleneck flow far enough away from your chest that you won’t expose the idea of having breasts to your coworkers, but The Turtleneck can double as a double chin cover-up as well! Just pull the neck itself over your chin and retreat into the illusion of thinness.
2. Blanket Cardigan
Boss would rather you look like you’re working from bed than acknowledge the fact that you’re a woman? Opt for a Blanket Cardigan! Show your boss how risk tolerant you really are by wearing only the blanket cardigan – another advantage of the Zoom platform.
3. Aran Irish Wool Sweater
Honor your Celtic heritage and cast your nipples into the cold and uncaring Irish sea by donning an Aran Irish Wool Sweater on your Zooms. Your coworkers will subconsciously associate you with the industrious Celts without your pesky nipples distracting them!
Fugazi Cover Band Reunites Since Before Lockdown to Perform– They Still Suck
The COVID-Pandemic has brought stories of hope, resilience, and inspiration. This week DC based Fugazi cover band ‘Fuck It All’ got back together to rehearse for the first time since before lockdown. To their surprise they still suck.
“We started the band when we were in high school. We barely rehearsed back then but we spent a lot of time listening to ‘Red Medicine’ and ‘The Argument’ so that still counts,” said 38 year old lead guitarist Max Krabyll while smoking his second joint of the day. “This week’s rehearsal was supposed to be epic but it was a total shitshow. I don’t know why.”
“Despite being married and having kids, we would always make some space for the band,” said Max while having his third beer of the day. “We had weekly Zoom meetings where we discussed if our set list should start with ‘Waiting Room’ or ‘I’m so Tired.’ Logically this last rehearsal should have been perfect, but we sucked so much. It doesn’t make any sense.”
Family members of the band didn't seem shocked the band’s rehearsal was not good. “Max gave me the band’s Facebook password on our first date, 10 years ago. He said it was the biggest sign of trust,” said Stephany Lange, Max’s wife. “I’ve learned so much about Fugazi but when I ask Max to play a song, he tells me he needs to change the strings of his guitar. He never rehearses so it makes sense the band sounds like trash.”
The Cherry Swamp got exclusive access to the band’s rehearsal. After 45 minutes of waiting for their drummer, the band spent two hours catching up on life while drinking and smoking weed, and discussing which song they should play first. After they unsuccessfully tried to play ‘Blueprint’, the band decided to take an indefinite hiatus.
