OpEd: Why Having a Cherry Blossom Metro Card Makes Me Better Than You

It was a brisk winter’s eve in 2019 when I “popped my cherry blossom” in L’Enfant Plaza. My whole world changed; I became better than everyone.

Nobody’s good enough for me anymore; I even ended things with my fiancé, a pro bono pediatric surgeon. He just couldn’t wrap his little brain around that I was now out of his league. And to have the audacity to respond to my news with “oh cool.” Oh cool? Poor guy, he has so much to learn.

I’ve stopped dating altogether now—I’ve been too busy waiting for my startup to take off; think The League but for Washingtonians with verified cherry blossom metro cards. It’ll be taking off any day now.

Have I visited the cherry blossoms, you might ask? Fuck no, who cares about some dumb pink flowers in front of some buildings when I have the most coveted cherry blossom landscape in the palm of my hand (at all times).