Top 10 Valentine’s Day Gifts for your Girlfriend Now That She Doesn’t Have Bodily Autonomy

With these gifts, you won’t need a Plan B.

  • A box of chocolates laced with mifepristone

  • A card with a photo of another couple that says “we’ll raise your baby”

  • A bouquet of roses stolen from the bushes outside Samuel Alito’s home

  • Fetus-size candy hearts

  • All the “It’s a boy/girl” balloons from your local CVS

  • A mixtape of soundbites of mens’ opinions on abortion

  • An ultrasound wand with attachable clit stimulator

  • Vanilla-scented smart candles that start burning when her rage reaches a certain level

  • A teddy bear, because fuck it, they’re just cute

  • A gun that has more rights than her

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