Dr. Fauci: "Those who Drank Four Loko Are Prohibited From Asking What's in the Covid Vaccine"
Issue No. 20
Dr. Fauci: "Those who Drank Four Loko Are Prohibited From Asking What's In the Covid Vaccine"
Washington DC- Scientists worked around the clock to develop the COVID-19 vaccine, led by revered scientist Dr. Anthony Fauci.
With a similar record breaking speed, Wendy Ramspot, a Lainer Heights resident, spread outright lies about the efficacy of the vaccine. Ramspot wrote “I heard the vaccine is full of crystals that track your movement. MNRA? I don’t know what that is and so I won’t put it in my body.”
Ramspot did not have the same amount of caution when she drank copious amounts of Four Loko an “energy beer” created by active members of the Kappa Sigma fraternity, by mixing malt liquor and caffeine. “Yes I’ve drank every flavor of Four Loko, Uva Berry, Blue Hurricane,Coco Loko, Blue Razz, Swedish Fish Flavor, Blaze, Gold,” Ramspot said.
When Dr. Fauci was asked to comment, he slapped his palm against his head, and sighed “If you drank Four Loko you are prohibited from questioning what's in the COVID vaccine. For the love of God please just take this vaccine. I promise you I have so much better uses of my time than to try to convince you that science is real! This is the equivalent to a medical miracle, please just take the damn thing!”
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Russian Cyber Criminals Planned to Exploit Zoom Vulnerability To Steal Christmas
Russian hackers working for the Kremlin are believed to be behind breaches of Zoom teleconferencing systems in an attempt to steal Christmas, according to unnamed U.S. officials.
One official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, speculated on the motivations for the breach. “It could be the hackers’ heads weren't screwed on just right. It could be, perhaps, that their shoes were too tight. But I think that the most likely reason of all, may be that their hearts are two sizes too small.”
Regardless of the motivation, the theft of Christmas was ultimately unsuccessful. “Looks like the hackers got cold feet. Who can say? Maybe their hearts grew a few sizes that day,” rhymed one cybersecurity investigator.
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