How to Be A Fan of America in the Olympics When You're Not a Fan of America in General

1) Get in the right mood

For the Olympics to really affect a stone-cold cynic America-wise, you’re going to need to be in prime sap mode. To activate this, before watching any Olympic events, queue up some Youtube videos of baby animals learning how to walk, or rewatch the past few years’ Google “Year in Review” videos. Don’t watch any “left-tube” vids in your recommended though! That’s not the rabbit hole you want to be going down right now.

2) Don your gear

Okay, so you probably don’t have any American flag stuff to wear -- and you shouldn’t! You know it’s a symbol of the atrocities our country has committed. Opt for a more subtle nod to the nation -- some blue jeans and a white tank top with a red accessory will do the trick without screaming “I normally love America.” Just avoid hats as the red accessory!

3) Drink to forget

How often do you get to get drunk at a sporting event? Football’s a cesspool of military propaganda and exploitation, baseball’s got that whole weird “the ‘50s were a simpler time (and I wish I could still be racist)” vibe going on, and hockey’s -- well -- hockey. So own this moment! You’ll get the dual benefit of hopefully forgetting for just one night that your country has meddled in over 80 foreign elections and still doesn’t guarantee voting rights for all its citizens.