Coronavirus "Deeply Honored" to be Grand Marshall of Bethesda Sunday Parade
Issue No. 11
Coronavirus "Deeply Honored" to be Grand Marshall of Bethesda Sunday Parade
Helpful Petworth Man Does Solid for Group House and Mother Nature by Recycling All the Spam from "Official Election Mail"
White House Contact Tracer Completes Epic 6-Day Netflix Binge
Despite Pandemic, Recession, Council Won't Spend from Reserves, Whispers Ominously "Greater Demons Yet Lurk"
Despite DC’s unprecedented difficulties facing both a pandemic and a looming recession, Councilmembers have refused to spend any of the $1 billion currently sitting in a rainy day reserve fund. When asked about the hesitancy, Council Chair Phil Mendelsohn slowly turned his swivel chair out of the shadows, leaned his bald backlit head forward and whispered, “Greater demons yet lurk,” as a bolt of lightning flashed outside.
Following a recent Council meeting, an audience member questioned outgoing Councilmember Brandon Todd about his preferences on spending the Rainy Day Fund. Todd drew his cape tightly around his shoulders and said, “When cometh the pestilence, so follows the beast of the fog.”
The Cherry Swamp asked Councilmember and progressive stalwart Elissa Silverman what it would take to approve spending from the reserves. She opened her briefcase to reveal ancient tablets, ran her fingers over the stone’s mysterious runes and gazed past this reporter, as she replied “Eck menenath nua an’kor khalat ici ud urun Na’ ghol.” Her eyes came back into focus and she smiled, adding, “Oh, and vote for Ed Lazere for Council Member At-Large.”
The Codmother is Closing. Regulars Start Blasting Blink 182 While Drinking Peruvian Bear Fucker
Woman Recalls Sensation of Human Touch
This past Sunday the unexpected brush of tree leaves passing against the elbow of Brookland resident Natasha Jones reminded her what the touch of another human felt like. Jones, a 29 year old lawyer who lives alone, has not experienced a hug, handshake, caress, or any other physical touch from a human since early March when she high fived a law firm colleague before leaving the office. “It was a bad high five,” Jones recalls. “A mismatched slap that barely made any noise.”
Yet that high five is all Jones has experienced in the way human touch in seven months. At the moment of the tree’s accidental caress on Sunday, Jones reportedly dropped her phone and just stood in place. “There was a breeze, so I just closed my eyes and waited for the leaves to brush against me again.”
Passing pedestrians appeared oblivious to Jones’ bittersweet simulacrum of human connection nearly forgotten. One couple walking along the sidewalk toward Jones was holding hands. They changed their course to keep distanced from her as they took for granted the sweet simple comfort of their interlocking fingers.
Ballot Drop Box Pines to Be Tagged, Gets Nothing but Respect Instead
Guy Sets Up a Home Gym, Still Finds Excuses Not to Go
Michael Green, 31 year-old consultant from Bethesda, thought it was time to make some positive changes during the pandemic. Three months ago he set up a gym at his home. He hasn’t worked out yet.
“I’m aware regular physical activity produces long-term health benefits,” says Michael as he teleworks from his bed. “My home gym is in the basement, which is dusty. I have allergies so I cannot go now. It’s just a matter of sweeping the floor and I’ll be ready to lift bro.”
“I’m in control of my own destiny, and that’s why I spent $2,000 to set up my home gym,” says Michael as he rewatches the second season of ‘The Office’ from his bed. “The problem is that I’m still waiting for my 35 pounds weights, but as soon as they arrive, I’ll get shredded.”
Before press time, Michael started selling some of his gym equipment on Facebook Marketplace. “It’s better to have a smaller gym at home anyway. Plus I need some space for all the camping equipment I just bought. I’ll go to the woods every weekend. No excuses. You can trust me.”
Man Who Robbed Three Banks Needed the Money to Cover His Getaway Tesla
"'The Social Dilemma' Changed My Perception of How Terrible Social Media Is," Says Guy Who Keeps Looking at Pics of His Ex’s Wedding
With the releasing of the 2020 American docudrama ‘The Social Dilemma,’ we all want to do our part to lessen the amount of time we spend on social media. But no one is taking this challenge more head-on than Bloomingdale resident Oscar Cambreed, who barely checks his iPhone, with the exception of looking at pics of his ex’s wedding.
“The documentary showed me the damage social media has caused to society, focusing on its exploitation of its users for financial gain through surveillance capitalism and data mining. If that means I have to turn off my notifications, I’m willing to make that sacrifice,” says Oscar while taking screenshots of his ex’s Instagram stories about her beautiful wedding in NYC.
Despite his commitment, Oscar reports that decreasing his social media usage didn’t happen overnight.
“It wasn’t easy. All those apps are meant to nurture an addiction” Oscar says. “But you have to be strong and remember that your mental health is above everything else,” reports Oscar while spending hours looking at his ex’s husband’s posts, pics and videos on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and TikTok.
Regardless of its challenges, Oscar encourages everyone to stop being social media users. “If I can do it, you can do it,” says Oscar while he creates a fake account on every social media app to keep stalking his ex.
SERIES: How Did COVID Sabotage My Memories Now?
Closure: Eighteenth Street Lounge (ESL)
Opened: 1995
Date of closure: June 22, 2020
What was it: Iconic cultural touchstone of DC's nightclub and music scene in the late 90s and early 2000s that you were never cool enough to get into except on Tuesdays
Typical reason for going: Open-minded alphas from the World Bank and others with international savoir-faire needed to talk international issues over a swanky cocktail without music being an ear-splitting 30 decibels or higher
Typical reason for leaving: Disapproving looks from open-minded alphas and others with international savoir-faire
It never got as high as: February 18, 2006, when DJ successfully mixes Radiohead's Kid A with popular Bollywood soundtracks for four hours straight
It never got as low as: September 8, 2018, when Stephen Miller evades detection by the bouncer to gain entry for 15 minutes before all other patrons wholesale throw him out based on three notably suggestive comments
Why it's your fault ESL closed: You didn't have time to explore international music, drinks, and dancing while your own country was sliding so quickly into authoritarianism.
Phrase to remember: "Pobrecita, tablas," Federico Aubele, Oct. 17, 2007
What's next for DC? Congress will continue to block all zoning legislation for international nightclubs in DC until rich kleptocrats from China, Russia, and Saudi Arabia lobby for it in four years.