Nobody Wants to Work Anymore: Bowser Administration Edition

The Great Resignation. Quiet quitting. Resigning to get ahead of imminent legal action. Whatever you call it, Mayor Muriel Bowser’s administration is not immune to a plague sweeping our nation: nobody wants to work anymore. The evidence speaks for itself:

• Police Chief Robert J. Contee III: If you’re not on the job, people may start to realize we can live in something other than a carceral state. Stop resisting and get back to work!

• Deputy Mayor Christopher Geldart: The past six months must have done a number on your psyche. Not because people found out that you choked a trainer. Because people found out that you did it in Virginia. That’s literally a bridge too far–ask any DC resident who matched with a Tinder hottie only to find out they live in Clarendon. But seriously, think of a hard day’s work like leg day, and don’t skip it.

• Department of Buildings Director Ernest Chrappah: Your job was a fantastic opportunity to work from home…assuming that home was up to code. Don’t give that up! To be fair, it is fitting that you’ve basically called squatter’s rights on your position and not given a departure date. Might I suggest building your resume in the meantime? Get it?!?

• Office of Unified Communications Director Karima Holmes: Have you considered cutting back on avocado toast instead of cutting back on your position? 

• Deputy Mayor and Chief of Staff John Falcicchio: Just because you look like what someone would get if they ordered Stanley Tucci on Wish doesn’t mean you can jack–I mean slack–off. If you’re going to harass anyone, make it a job recruiter. Put yourself out there and pray no one Googles you.