🗳Count von Count Brought in to Explain Election Results to Trump 🗳
Count von Count Brought in to Explain Election Results to Trump
Washington D.C.—Count Von Count was dispatched from Sesame Street to the White House this week to explain counting to outgoing President Donald Trump. Despite the fact that every state in the country has certified the election results, Trump has failed to understand mathematics, numbers, or counting. “ 58...59...60. 60 court attempts to overthrow the election have failed,” said Von Count to a confused Trump.
Von Count’s long-time partner, Countess Natasha von Numeral, fears Von Count will lose his love of counting after this assignment. “He calls me every night saying he's worked with 2-year-olds who have understood more about counting than Trump. This is his most difficult case.”
Von Count has been working around the clock with Trump, except during Trump’s many nap times and snack times. After hours of explaining how counting works Trump snarled “Find the 11,780 votes!” An exasperated Von Count muttered “Ok, let’s start again 1 vote for Biden, 2 votes for Biden, 3 votes for Biden.”
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Logan Circle Woman Gaslit By Budgeting App Telling Her She Spends an "Unusually High" Amount on Rent Each Month
Samantha Green was just trying to be a responsible professional when she downloaded the Mint app. She’d heard great things about it from friends back in her suburban Indiana hometown. At the beginning, it was working pretty well, alerting her when she went over her monthly grocery budget due to a spending spree at the Trader Joe’s on 14th (the snacks in the check out aisle will get ya!)
However, month after month a relentless notification would pop up forcing Samantha to taste the bitter existential dread she kept pushing down. “You spent an unusual high amount on rent this month,” it taunted her. “I fucking know that. Living in the city is expensive sheesh, you’d think the tech bros that developed this stupid thing would know that.” We at the Cherry Swamp reached out to the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau for comment but they informed us this falls outside of their legal jurisdiction as they are not responsible for any emotional or psychological turmoil brought on by financial products.
