Nation's White Women Remove "In This House" Signs to Welcome Conservative Family Members for Christmas
Issue No. 72
Nation's White Women Remove "In This House" Signs to Welcome Conservative Family Members for Christmas
NoMa's Residents Still Networking While Waiting in Line to Get Their COVID Test
As COVID-19 cases surge in Washington, D.C. due to the omicron variant, hundreds of people are getting tested. For a group of NoMa residents, this has become a great networking opportunity while waiting in line to get their COVID test.
“COVID sucks man. I’m so tired of this situation,” said Robert Strotter, 37, after arriving at the Curative testing site. “Despite it being really bad, look at the amount of people waiting in line. I see this as a networking opportunity. There must be a lot of business professionals here to form connections, seek advice, and learn new skills.”
“Depending on the results of my test, I may stay at home during the holidays. That would be unfortunate,” said Kyle Stevens, 31, while grabbing the soft tip of the swab and putting it into one nostril. “But you have to look on the bright side. There are so many people here I’ve talked to, and we are building up strong business relationships.”
“I was waiting in line to get my test, and some random dudes started asking me where I work, and if I have a LinkedIn account. It was weird,” said Tommy McLaren, 33. “I just wanted to get my test and go home, but they kept asking about my career path and job responsibilities. I’m just an intern.”
At the time of publication, Robert and Kyle have been spotted handing out business cards to people waiting in line in at least five COVID test sites around the city.
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Girlboss! Penn Quarter Woman Finally Gets A Raise Big Enough to Afford a Walk-in Closet to Cry In
Sally Green, a senior accountant at Hellion & Hill accounting firm, finally got the unthinkable: a raise big enough for her to afford to move from her apartment in Penn Quarter with a normal closet to a similar apartment with a walk-in closet, now big enough to cry in! She has been awaiting this day since she first started at the firm, stating that her starting salary was “barely enough to afford a breakfast nook, much less a walk-in closet.”
The partners at Hellion & Hill decided to go through with the raise—but no promotion—not based on her performance but on the fact that she was totally bumming them out by asking so many times.
Ms. Green is a childless woman working at an accounting firm with no creative outlet besides crochet. “Maybe I’ll bring my crochet in there too and I can cry and crochet!” said Ms. Green. Her partner says this is preferable to him having to see her every day.
Therapy has been offered to Ms. Green but she has turned it down. “Hey, I have this walk in closet!” said Ms. Green. “That’s something right? … Right? Hello? Anyone?”
Ms. Green has been working at the firm for a measly 18 years and has not gotten a raise in that time. But her partner Greg Green says she's deserved one for some time. Mr. Green is a 5’2” unemployed man with a severe addiction to mob dramas. “She’s always crying out in the open and I’m so glad that we can finally fix that,” said Mr. Green. He has not attempted to contribute to household costs. At all. He also doesn’t go down on her.
Ms. Green’s narcissist mother had no relevant comments.