DC Parents: "Sorry Kiddos, Santa Isn't Real, and You Don't Have Congressional Representation"
Issue No. 14
DC Parents: "Sorry Kiddos, Santa Isn't Real, and You Don't Have Congressional Representation"
“I don’t want my ten year old out in the world, thinking that presents appear by magic and everyone gets an equal voice in American democracy,” said U Street resident and mother Unique Jefferson. Jefferson thought her son Tyler’s recent birthday was the perfect time for him to learn some difficult truths about the world.
Jefferson waited until Tyler was full of birthday cake and tucked into bed to break the news to him. “Honey, it’s time you finally found out… Santa Claus is made up, and you don’t have any voting representation in Congress due to legacies of deliberate black disenfranchisement and Congressional white supremacy.” Jefferson answered her son’s inevitable follow up questions before singing to him until he fell asleep.
For his part, ten year old Tyler is still processing the news. “The no-senators thing I get. Even a fourth grader like me can figure out that a city full of black people isn’t what the Founding Fathers had in mind for democracy. But Santa Claus not being real? I figured he was just another crazy philanthropist with a load of white guilt.” Tyler gazed out the window as his eyes unfocused with a new realization. “Oh shit… my Mom and Dad are the best.”
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Actual Mapquest screenshot.
Friendship Heights TJ Maxx Boards Up Store Fearing "Maxxinistas" Will Riot Post-Election
"Our Political System is the Worst in the World," says GW Student to Argentinian Friend in Exile After Being Persecuted During Country's Military Dictatorship
After an online class at The Elliott School of International Affairs, GW student Jacob Stevens told his Argentinian classmate Eduardo Gama, that “nothing can be worse than the American political system”. Jacob was aware that Eduardo is in exile after being persecuted during his country’s military dictatorship.
“The military dictatorship in Argentina sounds awful. I know political dissidents were hunted down,” Jacob said while watching Anderson Cooper on CNN. “However, you cannot compare it with our political system. Do you see how mean Republicans are towards Democrats?”
“I’m aware that thousands of people were disappeared or killed. It was a tragedy,” Jacob said while sharing on Instagram an ‘I voted’ GIF. “Nonetheless, the American system is right up there. Do you know that voter suppression is really bad?”
As of publication time, Jacob was following the US election results. “I cannot imagine any other event in the history of the world as bad as this one,” he said.
Friend Who Only Ever Texts “K” Text Banking for Biden
8 DC Buildings That It's OK To Fuck Up Just a Teensy Weensy Widduh Bit On Election Night
Warby Parker on U
West Elm on 14th
Palantir Technologies in Georgetown
P-Street Whole Foods
Calligaris in Georgetown
McDonalds at 14th and U
The DMV
Comcast building
"Walls So Thin You'll Feel Less Alone This Winter," Navy Yard Luxury Apartments Promotes New Amenities
“Alive with energy and culture, Navy Yard is known as DC’s most gentrified authentic neighborhoods. At Park Line apartments you’ll be paying a low $2,000 for a 400 square foot apartment, you’ll never feel the weight of loneliness because our walls are so thin you’ll hear every movement of our fantastic community. A dramatic façade of arresting angles evokes an atmosphere of upscale solitary confinement, but you’ll have endless entertainment because you can always hear what your neighbors are watching on Netflix *DECEMBER BONUS* they might have Disney+.
Yumm whats that smell? Stunningly designed apartment with walls so thin you can smell every meal being cooked from the apartments above, below or side to side! Is COVID-19 interfering with cuffing season? Move in by winter and in no time you’ll be overhearing the couple next-door fights and having make-up sex! Create a lifestyle that is as dynamic and engaging as the people who call it home. You'll be a part of this community!
After Learning Chileans Voted to Rewrite their Constitution, Americans Collectively Discover New Sexual Fantasy
With quarantine boredom encroaching on households across the nation, Americans have tried virtually everything to get off this year – but there are only so many ways we can touch or be touched lovingly in lovemaking. That is, until last week, when citizens discovered a great way not only to ~spice~ up the bedroom, but also take the terror out of their day-to-day democracy anxiety: imagining the sensual touch of pen to paper on a new constitution.
“I never knew just how turned on the thought of rewriting our rules of government to actually serve us could make me until I read an article on NPR about the people of Chile voting to rewrite their constitution,” said 29-year-old Illinois resident Mallory Block. “Normally I read NPR to distract me from doom scrolling on Twitter for a few minutes but, last week, let’s just say it lasted a little longer than a few minutes.”
“I was listening to The Daily in my kitchen when I first heard the news,” added 34-year-old Portland native Matt Burns. “It immediately prompted me to do my daily in the bedroom.”
“Do you know how many times and how often governments have changed during history?” Burns continued. “It’s like, a lot. We don’t have to keep putting up with this forever. I’m honestly getting mad horny just thinking about it.”
Anxious About the Election Results? Pass the Time Watching These 7 Good Movies with Bad Endings
In the event that the election is not decided on Election Night, try binging these shows and movies with terrible endings -- they’ll keep you distracted for weeks of civil unrest!
Signs
Game of Thrones
Lost
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Titanic
How I Met Your Mother
Forrest Gump
