"I'm From Hoth and This is Nothing" Annoying Neighbor Won't Shut Up About DC Snow Storm
Issue No. 27
"I'm From Hoth and This is Nothing" Annoying Neighbor Won't Shut Up About DC Snow Storm
“New Antibodies, New Me!” 5 Toxic Relationships You Will Have to End When Getting the Vaccine
My coziest sweatpants– I’ve been monogamous with them for months. Once I get that second shot and go back out into the world, I’ll cave and put on some jeans.
Your racist aunt. Now that she’s no longer at risk for COVID, kick that byotch to the curb!
Your reliance on Zoom’s “Touch Up My Appearance” feature. It’s been gaslighting you with its toxic positivity this entire time. Time to reckon with what you actually look like IRL.
90 Day Fiancé you never really meant to be a fan, but one thing turned into another and now you’ve missed work because you lost track of time watching 90 Day Fiancé: Happily Ever After?, 90 Day Fiancé: Before the 90 Days, 90 Day Fiancé: What Now? 90 Day Fiancé: The Other Way, 90 Day Fiancé: Pillow Talk.
Crumbs. There are 365 days worth of crumbs under your desk, in your beard, and in your sports bra. Clean them up.
Get Fit In Only 7 Minutes A Day...No Wait, In Just 3 Minutes...Wait, I Meant in Only 5 Seconds! Please read me!!!
“Not a Miner, Logger, or Construction Worker” Anti Statehood Sen. Tom Cotton Fails To Meet Tom Cotton’s Criteria For Voting Eligibility
Robinhood Insists App Name is Not Ironic
Last Wednesday, hedge funds suffered a crippling attack from an angry mob of regular people. Everyday investors maliciously banded together and purchased millions of shares of "meme" stocks. Hedge fund managers were helpless, sad, and afraid. In what some may one day call an act of heroism, investing platform Robinhood acted swiftly to restrict the trading of those stocks.
The feral gang of retail investors were furious, but Robinhood stood firm. When asked why a company named Robinhood would protect the rich from regular people, a spokesperson for the company stated, “We could not stand by and allow this … bullying! We are Robinhood. We will always stand up for the little guy!”
Robinhood then published height statistics, highlighting the fact that most hedge fund managers are 3 to 5 inches shorter than the average American.
Cicadas Who Have Been Underground for 17 Years Finally Emerge After Hearing it's "Plague Season"
WOW! This Woman's Friend Asked For a Ride to BWI Airport... and She Said Yes!
"I Support Local Businesses," Says Man Who is too Ashamed to Cancel His Gym Membership
Local businesses are essential for the economy, especially during the pandemic. One of their supporters is Danny Street, a 35-year-old resident from Dupont Circle. He hasn’t canceled his gym membership since the pandemic started because he is too ashamed to do it.
“I have to remind myself that local businesses provide employment and create entrepreneurship opportunities,” said Danny. “My local gym’s employees are super cool, despite not seeing them since the pandemic started. And I don’t want to call them and tell them I’m cancelling my membership. They are very big, they would get mad, and I hate making people uncomfortable”.
As of publication time, Danny confessed he has no intention to cancel his $70 per month membership. “I cannot imagine what people would say at the gym if I do that. I would get so anxious.” The Cherry Swamp contacted one of the gym’s employees, and when asked about Danny, he said: “Danny who”?