In incredible news coming out of Kalorama, 33-year-old Heather Williams has been dating a white man for two weeks, and she has somehow, against all odds, avoided going camping. 

“Brett had camping and hiking pictures all over his Bumble profile.” said Heather. “It was a huge red flag but I got coffee with him anyway. I know how to stand my ground.”

While Brett has pursued his irrational interest in being dirty and alone in nature both weekends they’ve been a couple, Heather has happily indulged in her typical weekend routine free of white nonsense.

“I do like him a lot and see a future with him,” said Heather. “But saying yes to camping even one time is a slippery slope. What’s next? Me going to a Glass Animals concert? Thinking Jello is a salad ingredient? I will never let that happen.”

At the time of publication, Heather had dumped Brett seconds after he asked her to go skydiving.