Issue No. 10

Melania Trump Reveals Redesigned Cherry Blossom Festival

DC Health Dept. Confirms Not Counting Covid Cases from Prisons, Managed Care Homes, the White House

But for real – This headline is essentially just plain true

"It's Impolite to Talk Politics" Says Doctor Delivering Baby You Were Forced to Carry to Term

The Conspiracy Theorist's Guide to Protesting in DC After a Biden Win

As Washingtonians anticipate a rocky election season, we’ve compiled a guide for the Conspiracy Theorists bound to descend on our Nation’s Capitol to protest November’s results. Before we get down and dirty into just what conspiracy theorists can expect from the city, let’s make sure you’re addressing it correctly – real locals call the city “DC” or “The District,” so be sure to avoid terms like “Washington” or “Deep State HQ” unless you want to be outed as an non-local right away! 

First and foremost, conspiracy theorists traveling to the city to protest a legitimate, obvious Biden win will need accommodations. To avoid any residue from ChemTrails, we recommend staying within the no-fly zone. As for dining, astute Theorists will recognize the circular patterns that litter the city’s map – to avoid any accidental association with the Illuminati or the Occult, avoid popular dining destinations like DuPont Circle or Logan Circle. 

Finally, if you have any free time outside of your marches on federal grounds protesting free, fair elections, voter enfranchisement, and the core of democracy and our nation, we recommend a trip to the Masonic Temple on 16th and S where dedicated conspiracy theorists will get to witness firsthand one of the oldest and most traditional conspiracies in our country. 

All in all, Washingtonians welcome you all to protest – we’re used to it, and who knows? If you’re lucky, while you’re here, maybe you’ll learn something about the country's factual, truthful history.

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New York Ave Days Inn Motel Changes Name to "Days End" to Better Represent Everyone's Current Outlook on Life

Club Goers Could Have Grinded as Statue of JFK Looked On

But for real– The Kennedy Center flirted with being a… pop up nightclub 

What $750 Gets You in DC

• The smaller room in a Bloomingdale English basement shared with Sycamore, your new Craig’s List housemate 

• Daycare for twins for one week

• A six-course dinner for 4 at Marcels, with some wine 

• 97 half smokes from Ben’s Chili Bowl

• 12 Deluxe tickets to Big Bus Tours that include 2 day Hop on/ Hop off to all the top landmarks, and recorded commentary in 8 languages

• 1 full day pass for 4 pedal boating around the Tidal Basin

But for real– Trump’s $750 tax bill is a triumph of loopholes.

Why Does My SNKR'S App Have More Info on Voting than the "Vote 4 DC" App?

Anti-BLM Protesters Misunderstand New Southwest DC Murals, Paint Over Bike Lane

Five Ways to Hack Your Sacraments in a COVID-Safe Way

• Duct tape a steak knife to a Roomba and start the briss already

• You’re going to need to individually wrap those Bodies of Christ

• Paying the zakat is actually perfect right now. We humbly suggest East of the River Mutual Aid Fund or Capital Area Food Bank 

• At Confession, just name all your neighbors who don’t wear masks

• Swap the Holy Water for hand sanitizer and the Baptism is probably good to go