The latest in a series of complex, intimidating work project management systems will streamline workflows, end miscommunication and tension at the organization, put megatons of CO2 back into the atmosphere, and via an elaborate system of automations bring his longtime spouse to her first climax in years, local human resources director Vance Buggins told colleagues at a staff meeting Monday. 

“It’s pretty simple once you get a sense of the building blocks: Ticks make up Lists. Lists make up Flurbs.  Flurbs–you guessed it–they make up Florbs,” Buggins explained to slack-jawed co-workers on Zoom. “Don’t forget that if you don’t like how things are arranged, you can customize into Schedule, FlorbFlop, FocusTask, and Hyena modes. Oh, don’t forget to assign your team members as Witnesses and Lurkers!”

Employees of the firm reported this to be the third different software of its kind to be mandated in the past year, after aborted attempts to transfer every company project to Schnauzer and then to LaserSlice. 

“I want to be clear: nothing is ever going to be the same once our work lives are fully integrated into Florb. Timesheets will be in-house. Logistical nightmares will be conquered with the click of a button. Office birthday celebrations will be a thrill ride instead of boring and rote. We will achieve cold fusion. And after I work out a few kinks with the architecture of this flow, let’s just say that Samantha won’t have reason to be thinking nonstop about her personal trainer Billy anymore,” Buggins explained to a sea of puzzled faces at the impromptu all-hands meeting. 

As of press time, Buggins had just been spotted being ushered out of the building by security while furiously trying to connect a vibrator to wi-fi.