Issue No. 13

8 Spooky Bills Introduced by House Republicans that Rep. Eleanor Holmes Norton Hexed This Year

Dr. Fauci's Niece Begs Him to Make an Exception to Open King's Dominion Halloween Haunt Just This Friday Night Please Because Derek Kaminsky Said He Would Go With Me

Expressing concerns that she would like literally be alone forever if it didn’t happen, Dr. Anthony’s Fauci’s 13-year old niece, Kayley Fauci, told reporters Tuesday she’s calling on her uncle to lift the health and safety restrictions on Virginia amusement park King’s Dominion’s Halloween Haunt event so she can go with Derek Kaminsky.

“Derek is like the hottest guy in the grade and if I got to go Halloween Haunt with him that would mean like everyone has to vote for me for 8th grade formal princess” said Kayley, recounting that last year’s 8th grade formal princess made out with Derek’s older brother on The Grizzly during Halloween Haunt.

“Like he doesn’t understand. If I don’t get to hold Derek’s hand while The Overlord sets all the creatures of the night free in the park then that means I won’t get a hug of strength from him outside of the Pumpkin Eater Patch scare zone which means I won’t be able to snuggle into his chest in fear at the Cleaver Brothers Carnival which means I won’t be his girlfriend which means no 8th grade formal princess which means I am going to DIE ALONE!” At press time, Kayley added that if Derek were to read this that it was all a joke and like ew no she’s not that desperate.

DC's Most Exclusive Club is Any OBGYN Still Accepting Appointments for IUDs Before November 4

According to the first-ever DC Chamber of Commerce impact study of local nightlife released this week, nightlife in the city is growing faster than ever. Topping the Chamber of Commerce’s list for most frequented and exclusive clubs is any OBGYN office with open appointments for IUD insertion before November 4th. “Many gynecologists have extended their times into after-work hours to accommodate for heightened demand for long-term birth control, it makes sense to include them within the ‘nightlife’ category,” said Peter Felt, co-chair of the research committee. “We’ve noticed an uptick in all signs of a rebirth of the nightlife industry at these OBGYN-clubs: intense queueing in order to get in, men not being allowed in without a requisite number of women, and vomiting inside and outside of the building.”

Washingtonians who attend these exclusive romps prepare themselves for an immersive experience. To get in, anxious women must call in advance to reserve their spot. Pregame with prescription-strength ibuprofen at least an hour before your night out to avoid any lingering cramps. Be aware that getting the up-and-down from longtime doorman and anti-abortion protestor Paul Leiberman is all part of the experience. Once you've made it past the sometimes tricky door, however, you're transported to a kidcore-inspired fantasy land complete with cracked vinyl chairs, pens disguised to look like flowers, and wall art that makes a gentle nod to the female form.

Table service is available, tended to by scrubbed-up nursing staff, and the best fun can be found strapped into the stirrups. If you’ve got the cash to blow (since your insurance won’t cover it), book a transvaginal ultrasound in the VIP area for the best view of the action. For the full experience, stay at least until new election polling comes out showing Trump narrowing the gap — watch the surge of energy that goes through everyone in the room as they regain the strength to have a bundle of copper wire shoved past their cervixes.

"BLM Murals are the New Angel Wings," Reports Bethesda Momfluencer

The Mafiaoso's Guide to Bullying Your Longtime Beloved Elementary School Principal

At Wednesday’s Virtual School board meeting for Cherry Blossom Public Charter School, Southwest resident and area Mafioso Tony Moretti executed a perfect political coup by ousting beloved Principal Walter Jameson. Moretti explained afterward, “Did I play dirty? You bet I did. I went to the m*****f*****’ mattresses.”

Jameson had served 32 years as principal and received numerous accolades and praise from parents. But after he refused to purchase cafeteria napkins from Moretti Paper & Cups Co., Jameson was successfully ousted. “You know what I does?” Moretti explained. “I tells the school board that if they don’t vote out Jameson, I’m gonna, ya know…” Moretti then made an elaborate hand gesture this reporter could not decipher.

On the eve of the school board meeting, a severed horse head was found in the 63 year old former principal’s Honda Civic, and multiple school board members had their tires slashed. When asked if he had something to do with it, Moretti simply made faces and more gestures: an exaggerated frown followed by a shrug. Then a wink, then a slow motion finger gun.

"I Did See Cobra Kai Kiss Sexy Hand Sanitizer," Contact Tracing in a Pandemic Halloween

In Run-Up to Halloween, Georgetown Tries on WAP Costume

Move Over Sexy Nurse! Sexy Virologist and 7 Other Essential Sluts You Can Be For Halloween

• Sexy Virologist

• Slutty NIH Statistician

• Smokin’ Postal Worker

• Hotty Grocery Store Cashier

• Foxy Poll Worker

• Naughty Garbage Collector

• Horny Get-Out-The-Vote Volunteer

• Dr. Fauci Without a Tie On

Dog Caught Licking Balls During Zoom Call Has No Excuse

QUIZ: Can You Guess The Real Candidates for DC Board of Education?

Jump into 🍒This Cherry Swamp Quiz🍒 to Test Your DC Election Knowledge